sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
