Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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