i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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