i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
