I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
