I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
