so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
