I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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