I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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