so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
