the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
