all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Sext me about skeletons
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
