I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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