This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
