Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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