remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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