dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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