There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
