i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
