I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
