So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
