new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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