I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
