theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
