Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
