i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
