So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
