last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
