every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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