drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
