What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
