I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
