hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
