OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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