The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
