thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
