My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
