a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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