It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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