Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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