Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
