Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
