Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
