I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
