We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
