I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
