First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
