Kiss
Puke
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
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