Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
