Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
